With the start of spring finally rolling in, temperatures are slowly rising across campus. Whether it’s due to global warming actually being real or not, we dont know. There is one thing we do know, William Paterson University doesn’t know how to handle any sort of heat.

Some students have taken some drastic measures, such as taking ice cubes from their bongs in order to cool down, while some have decided to sleep “bare butt booty naked.” It’s even taken a turn for the worse with the alarm for High Mountain West going off due to the rising temperatures.

Professional performative male and winner of the 2025 Washington Square Park performative male contest, Marco Amorim, complained that because of the high humidity, a strain of mysterious mushrooms has grown under his bed. After reportedly taking them, he found a new meaning in life. “Fuckin beautiful bro… It felt like I was in a goddamn Pink Floyd movie.”

He has since been sent to a mental hospital for a full psych evaluation.

However, it’s not only the campus dorms that are experiencing this issue. William Paterson’s world famous Wayne Dining Hall is also plagued by the heat. So much so that, for the first time, all the food is served hot and ready instead of cold and damp.

There are also reports of the students sweating so much in the Dining Hall that they have added a new flavor to the ice cream bar, “Salted Caramel Sweat.”

Freshman communications major and professional assistant Jacob “J-Ram” Ramirez, commented on the recent rise in temperatures by saying he “feels like shit.” He also stated that the only way he’s been able to stay cool is by “waterboarding” himself. After this comment, he unfortunately suffered a heat stroke and was carried away by campus police.

While writing this, it actually became so unbearably hot that my computer started making sounds I haven’t heard outside of a World War II documentary. William Paterson has also started to implement the central air system back into the university, however, the gust produced by the system is more reminiscent of a sick baby coughing on me rather than an AC.