Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You’re a grown adult; stop checking your mailbox for your Hogwarts letter and fill out a job application.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

You’ll have a great week until the zombie apocalypse ensues. Then it will just be mediocre.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’ll realize, after reposting your seventh Chiwetel Ejiofor fancam TikTok, that your Spanish final is due tomorrow.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

The Chili’s gift card on your nightstand with $5 remaining is what’s stopping you from getting laid.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

This week, you’ll be haunted by the sound of a beating heart coming from the floorboards.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You will find yourself popping an alarming number of pills this week, though this is for the brain tumor, not something sexy like addiction. 

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Start spitting in people’s mouths and see if they give you a gracious tip afterward. This is not a horoscope, I just had a dream about this happening and I want to see if it works.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The stars suggest you start giving every movie you watch a 0.5 star rating on Letterboxd. It’s up to you to keep these millionaires humble.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Tell your boyfriend that his unprotected pickle puts you at high risk of wegmancy.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You’ll experience an overwhelming sense of schadenfreude, the German term for happiness at the misfortune of others, when you realize that not only is Kevin O’Leary not a billionaire, but he’s not relatively close to being one either.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

All your suicidal thoughts aren’t the result of your chronic anxiety, but from the mold growing in your unwashed comfort water bottle. Give it a clean!

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Pedro Pascal will be a bigger contributor to your mental wellbeing than you could possibly anticipate this week.