“Passover is the new Christmas,” Jesse Pereira, a local Jewish man, said repeatedly whilst sitting in the fetal position all night last Friday. What should’ve been a fun filled second seder night with his family, was a nightmare after one too many scrolls on TikTok during a bathroom trip sent him down a rabbit hole of what Pereira called “Goyimsach Seders,” a trend where Christian families host Passover seders with non-kosher food.
“I saw shrimp!” Pereira added.
Non-Jewish or, “goyim” families have been posting about their secular Passover seders all week long on social media, not realizing that seders are only held on the first two nights of the holiday. These seder plates often involve trefah (non-kosher) food items in replacement of the, admittedly, gross items found on the plate.
Some of these plates involve shank bones replaced with pork chops (oy vey!), hard-boiled eggs replaced with caviar (feh!), and horseradish, appropriately, replaced with rat poison.
Jewish communities across social media have named this new phenomenon “goyslop,” a term combining the Yiddish word “goy” (a non-Jewish person) and the Anglo-Saxon “slop” (whatever it is these New York bodegas are calling a “sandwich” nowadays).
Transgressive film director and trailblazer of “Trash Cinema,” John Waters, was asked his thoughts on the recent rise in goyslop material on the internet, responding “Goy-ify everyone now! Condone first-degree goyification! Goyslop is my politics! Goyslop is my life!”
Waters, a self-proclaimed pervert with the coolest mustache in Hollywood, proceeded to pull a shrimp from behind his left ear and dipped it into his jacket pocket, which was filled with cocktail sauce.
Not everyone is proud of the goyim lifestyle they live. Hollie Maniscalco, co-editor of The Bacon, documented her day of living the life of a stereotypical goy.
Maniscalco explained her morning routine, involving waking up before the zrikhe (azoy?), drinking before saying kiddush (oy gevalt!), and the worst shande of all, seasoning her food properly (the fuck?).
As Maniscalco got to her afternoon, she got so ashamed of her goyishe nature, that she drove to the nearest synagogue for minyan before she grew “a tail like Vashti in the Megillah.”
When asked how she, a goy, knew what the Megillah was, Maniscalco responded, “I think I’m speaking parcel tongue.”
She then exploded.
Passover may, like Christmas before it, be slowly turning into a secular holiday. It’s only a matter of time before goyim around the world are saying “chag pesach sameach.” After that, who knows what will happen next. It may be soon that we see goyim eating sufganiyot and posting “g’mar chatima tovah” on their close friends story. Khas veshalom they post it on main!
