“Wuthering Heights”, Emerald Fennell’s erotic non-interpretation of the classic Bronte novel, has now grossed over 80 million dollars worldwide at the box office. The film has become a diamond in the rough during what we at The Bacon like to call “Flopuary”: the months of January and February that are synonymous with box office flops. 

Due to the film’s success, Fennell has decided to forgo any research on the source material of her next project. Her next film, following the Chicago Bulls’ historic 1995-96 season, will include controversial casting choices such as Timothee Chalamet as Scottie Pippen and Hong Chau as Magic Johnson, which have caught the unamused eyes of film fans and internet users alike.

“Timothée Chalamet playing Pippen is just plain wrong,” said a man who asked for a bite of my McChicken on NJTransit. “Pippen doesn’t have a mustache. What’s Chalamet gonna do? Shave his mustache? That’s just wrong, man. That’s so messed up.”

“Why don’t you cast an actor who doesn’t have a mustache for the role? Why are we casting an actor with a mustache for a character that doesn’t have one? Isn’t that insensitive or whatever? It’s a biopic, these actors should have the exact same facial hair as the characters they’re playing,” said the man’s friend, who subsequently asked for my fries.

Comedian and former Fennell collaborator Bo Burnham (Promising Young Woman) took to Instagram this week to voice his concerns over recent casting news stating, “Why is Cary Mulligan playing the Zen Master, Phil Jackson? Cary Mulligan? What’s next? Elordi is MJ?”

Just hours later, @popcrave on X announced the biggest casting news yet, likely shocking Burnham to the core. Not only would Jacob Elordi be playing Michael Jordan, but he’s refusing to shave his head bald for the role.

“How can he not shave his head? You’re bringing the GOAT to the big screen and you’re not gonna go bald?” said director Kevin Smith via X.

The news caused heavy outrage from film and basketball fans alike, agreeing that Elordi’s choice is both disgusting and distasteful.

Additional backlash has been placed on Fennell, who received heated responses to her casting of a non-bald actor to play Jordan.

“Why should we put the blame on Jacob? Shouldn’t we question why Emerald Fennell cast a haired man to play MJ in the first place?” wrote Kevin Smith on X, just minutes after stealing my McChicken on NJtransit. 

“So it’s her fault?” said X user @mattygburner under Smith’s post.

“No it isn’t,” responded @4stickybuns, to which Elordi replied, “yes it is.”

While Elordi’s casting should cause excitement in the face of controversy, Fennell has instead found herself under fire for her star’s despicable actions. 

In great news for white guys everywhere, Elordi has now become the first man to get what he wants in Hollywood at the defamation of a woman.