Fourth of July weekend, the 250th annual Armageddon for alcoholics and hot dog fanatics alike, has come to a close. As was the case with years past, the Mayan God of the Heavens, Itzamná, has decided to have the “Festividades del Fin de Semana” end around July 4 this year.

Note to the intellectually endowed Bacon readers (what few of you there are): The Bacon Editors in Chef know that the modern Gregorian calendar is not the same as the Mayan calendar. To those of you who noticed this journalistic mishap, we politely ask you to “keep your mouth shut, dweeb.”

What’s more synonymous with Independence Day than hot dogs, Smirnoff Ice and fat racists is the familial classic: Fourth of July movie night.

Whether it be “Jaws,” “The Sandlot” or “RoboCop,” there’s something about those patriotic summer classics that inspire a sense of nationalism, hope and the urge to mispronounce every item on a Mediterranean restaurant menu.

With the recent rise of woke-diarrhea summer blockbusters, true cinephiles are attempting to combat this explosion of snowflake sewage by watching films that highlight “true” American values.

Birth of a Nation, D.W. Griffith’s 1915 Civil War film (the plot of which is certainly satirical), saw a 1,353.5% increase in viewership on the film-logging social media app Letterboxd.

The film now joins the prestigious “One Million Watched Club,” the aptly titled list of films that have been watched by 1 million Letterboxd users.

Griffith’s “classic,” however, was the second-highest trending film on Letterboxd this weekend. The app saw a 79,423.8% increase in viewership for the 2009 slasher film Terror at Blood Fart Lake.

The film, produced and directed by schlock icon Chris Seaver (of Taintlight fame), jumped from 2,100 viewers on Letterboxd to a whopping 1,670,000.

Featuring the classic summer camp slasher clichés, such as a man meeting his demise via cob of corn to the rectal cavity, this film serves as a fantastic summer movie night pick with a chosen family subplot that makes it perfect for July 4.

Due to recent film trends, it’s likely that next year’s big summer blockbuster will be made solely using generative AI. However, if studios have learned anything from the recent rediscovery and appreciation of films such as Birth of a Nationand Terror at Blood Fart Lake, we know that these new blockbusters won’t be woke slop.

It’s important that after a long, liver-damaging Fourth of July weekend, we remember that freedom of speech does, in fact, mean the freedom to say the most evil things we can think of.

The holiday serves as a reminder that America is the land of the free, the home of the brave, and that goes for every man, woman and child who doesn’t have an opinion that differs from ours.