The end of every Spring semester at William Paterson University brings about the usual Senior Sendoffs, but this year is particularly tough for the WPTV community. Senior and WP Sports Desk Host and Coordinating Producer, Tyler ‘welcome back to the desk’ Cooper, will be graduating in May, leaving behind a legacy and big shoes to fill. Upcoming senior, Daniel Karp, has been chosen to take over as host for the Fall semester. The Spring semester will consist of a rotating cast of three hosts in the absence of Karp due to his finishing his classes early.
The thought of losing their best friend and leader has taken a toll on those at the WPTV Sports Desk, to the point where David “Dave Dawg” Gordon has resorted to using The Dark TextsTM to keep Cooper around instead of going through the five stages of grief like a normal person. Gordon formed a group of sorts, definitely not a cult, to force Tyler Cooper to stick around for another semester. When asked whether the methods to keep Cooper around involved cloning and or necromancy, Gordon declined to comment.
To the dismay of some, who might honestly be overly eager to be in a cult, not everyone was invited to join the cult. Non cultists included Daniel Karp and Vitoria Rogerio. Poor unfortunate Karp, having been robbed of his position as Sports Desk host, had this to say, “I’m gonna make a cult a thousand times better than theirs. Just me, myself, and I.” This was, of course, an extremely pitiful sentiment to hear. Karp, now going through his sad boy era due to his exclusion, with the most listened song on his Spotify Wrapped being “What Was I Made For” by Billie Eilish, Cat Remix.
The ritual to bring about a new era of Sports Desk was hosted on April 13 and lasted a mere 13 minutes. The sacrificial ritual was attended by most of the students at WPTV, except for those with lame excuses, such as ‘My dog needs surgery’ and ‘I have class’. Pizza was served afterwards, following the request of the ancient deity who promptly dapped up Gordon before evaporating into the aether. After meeting The All Knowing One at the pizza party, I can confirm they are pretty chill.
The ritual needed to ascertain another year of Tyler Cooper required a sacrifice to the ancient, dormant deity. As everyone knows, cults are extremely democratic associations, so the sacrifice to The All Knowing One was left up to a vote. Rocco Coppola was ultimately chosen as a sacrifice and dragged onto the desk. The process was quick and hopefully painless as a beam of light, and the screams of a thousand tortured souls filled Studio B at Hamilton Hall, as Coppola was quickly reduced to ash.
I was able to interview the spirit of Coppola after meeting a wise monk in the New Jersey Highlands who donned a raggedy hoodie and had a weird limp. The wise monk, John Doe, from the rear exterior of the nearby QuickChek, helped me open my third eye and access the spirit realm. The spirit of Rocco Coppola commented on his noble, unwanted sacrifice, saying, “I feel particularly disrespected. There are countless other people who could’ve been sacrificed besides myself. I mean, what do they offer that I don’t bring to the table? Sacrificing ‘The Rocc’ is an unacceptable travesty, it’s blasphemous.”
A new Tyler Cooper will continue his legacy on The DeskTM. Though he’s certainly not himself, those at WPTV are blinded by their inability to let go of their bestie. However, beneath all the merriment, a plot to usurp power seems to be brewing in the ranks. This movement, led by Matt Goldman, is a slowly developing story of which we at The Bacon will look more into, if we feel like it.
