This past week on our bear-themed, middle-of-the-woods, campus, many students and faculty were shocked to learn that a bear had been spotted.

Thankfully, the situation was quickly relieved when the bear took a quick trip to the dining hall and decided that dead fish was the better food choice.

However, one question still stands: what was a bear doing in the woods?

It just so happens that the next day students and faculty were alerted that the FBI was on campus.

Cowinkidink? I think not.

After doing some digging, I discovered that this bear is actually a distant relative of our very own, Pio (deadname Billy) and I was able to get an exclusive interview with him.

MM: So how exactly are you related to this bear?

P: “Well honestly, he’s an in-law. He’s my same-sex partner’s second cousin once removed.”

MM: What was he doing on Campus?

P: “Honestly, I don’t know. He was probably drunk and drove his car into the side of the road Tiger-Woods-Style again.”

MM: Do you know why there was FBI on campus?

P: ”They were disposing of my lesser family member”

MM: Is there anything else you’d like to say on this matter?

P: “Nah”

He then hit his Lava Plus Disposable™ (Clear Ice – 2600 Puffs) and blew it in my face.

I also asked “Full-Time-Student” and self-proclaimed “Dom-Daddy” Erik Lopez if he’d seen a bear.

“Like, on Grindr?”

At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves how we can stop this from ever happening again. We must ask ourselves, “Does a bear shit in the woods?” and answer: not in our woods.

It’s up to us, the students of William Paterson, to end this now. Bears do NOT belong in the woods no matter how much the far left tries to push their agenda on us.