Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

This week, avoid the wedding dinner tasting with your closest friends. Trust us, you’ll be dodging a bullet.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your stuffy nose will get the best of you this week. The stars suggest it’s either a cold or another Chlamydia flare up. Make that doctor’s appointment.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

That new Logic album isn’t nearly as good as your dork-ass friend thinks it is.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Considering you have about 25 minutes left alive, stop reading these horoscopes and watch Dijon’s Absolutely film. 

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The reason why your YouTube channel isn’t taking off isn’t because of the algorithm, it’s because nobody likes you.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It’s been 3 days since your last wash. We’re sure that hair grease would make a great vegetable oil substitute!

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

The stars also want to rip their ears out after KATSEYE’s Coachella performance.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

There are two reasons why you shouldn’t be worried about next Halloween: 1) It’s 10 months out. 2) Michael Myers only murders people who have sex.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

This week, you’ll come across a hairy, severed ear in the grass. Don’t pick it up and, instead, chicken-walk your ass home.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

We’ll be blunt: you’re pregnant. Crack out the mocktails and paternity tests.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Might as well rename your group chat “Casper” because yes, your friends are ghosting you.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Wrestlemania is coming up, which means now is your chance to scare off any woman that approaches you (should they approach you).