Earlier this week, the bright orange (Hex #F06122) ribbon was cut in the William Paterson Atrium, signifying the opening of the Herb Jackson Center for Journalism (aka the new Beacon office).
The Beacon staff could hardly sit still throughout the ceremony, itching to see the new space and spin in state-of-the-art rolly chairs. Mere seconds after the cutting, members rushed to the new office to admire it in all of its glory.
However, much to The Bacon’s dismay, there was no separate room with an open bar and hot tub for Satirical Editors’ Jason and Hollie, like they were promised.
In actuality, there was no space at all for the Baconites. When questioned about this issue, Editor-in-Chief Matt Goldman stated that The Bacon is, “a leech to society,” and “the fact they want their own office is fucking ridiculous.”
Despite most of The Beacon sharing this opinion, the satirical editors still believed that their best work required a space of their own, where they could bullshit, watch a lot of movies and slay first-born Egyptian children.
While most of the staff were claiming chairs and daydreaming about desk decor, leeches Hollie and Jason quietly slipped away to the old office to fulfill their secret agenda.
In fact, the satirical editors originally planted the idea to change offices in the mind of Matt Goldman, in an attempt to trick him into vacating the office space. This plan had successfully worked, leaving Jason and Hollie a place to fry up some bacon in peace.
They are currently using the squatters’ rights law to maintain ownership of the old office and have some detailed renovations in mind. While most of the Bacon’s dealings are kept private, Jason Lee does divulge that they are “working on stocking the freezer with bacon and painting the walls with swine intestines.” Most importantly, though, the satirical editors are working on “installing a BDSM swing for Baconite Erik Lopez.”
Keep your eyes peeled for incredible Bacon content following the opening of their new office. And if you end up visiting the new Bacon space, maybe bring some menthol balm because it smells awful.
