Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

While love manifests in many different ways, it seems you’re having an awfully difficult time finding the “unconditional” kind. 

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

This week you’ll finally ghost your therapist and instead, only use our horoscopes for life advice. Our first tip: lose the pro-life bumper sticker. 

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

When shopping for shampoo with your parents, you’ll mistakenly refer to the anti-frizz conditioner as “and I jizz right into her.” Major Freudian Slip reporting for doodie.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

There’s never been a better time to stop watching anime.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The Trader Joe’s employee, who peered into your soul while scanning your cold-pressed juice, is not in love with you; his sexual repression is corporate-mandated. 

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

The gate to your garden of dreams rests in the depths of the metaphorical sacred pond of understanding. Yeah. Go ahead and figure that one out, genius. 

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

After finding out that there’s no actual such thing as “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob,” you’ll kill yourself.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

On your fifth rewatch of Friday the 13th, you’ll finally realize it’s not nearly as a good, or scary, as Fred 3: Camp Fred

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You’ll overhear two coworkers talking about the new Kanye West album at work this week. Do not engage, for they are both Nazis. 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

“Billy Ray Cyrus shows full bush at Dollywood 4K” has sat at the top of your search history for the past 3 weeks now. Are you okay? Do you google anything else?

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Make sure to invite your group members from that one honors college project to your funeral, so they can let you down one final time.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

With the buzz over the 20th Anniversary Hannah Montana special, you can’t help but be reminded of your first sexual awakening: the “Wrecking Ball” music video.