The decaffeinated version of Diet Coca-Cola has been selling out on shelves in supermarkets across the United States. The high demand for caffeine-free Diet Coke, caused by new health trends amongst Gen Z, has caused other brands within the food and drink industry to create healthier versions of their signature products.

Sugar-free Oreos are on shelves worldwide, in the same supermarkets where you can find keto-friendly cereal bars and fat-free whole milk. These same supermarkets carry aisles filled solely with protein slop and whatever the hell “protein pretzels” are.

Joining the health trend were two multi-billion dollar companies, Gerber Products Company and Marlboro Cigarettes.

“Gerber x Marlboro Breast Milk Flavored Cigarettes” are now stocked in gas stations across America. Despite sounding like an invention from the films of David Cronenberg, these cigarettes are very real and are selling quickly.

Self-proclaimed “student” at William Paterson University, Erik Lopez, finds the new product to be “a great idea,” later stating his wishes for a collaboration between Gerber and other tobacco and nicotine companies such as Zyn and Skoal.

“It teaches kids that chain smoking is good for stress,” Lopez said. He later expressed his ideas for “government mandated nicotine patches for children,” as well as potential business ventures including “Beer4Kidz LLC” and a play titled “My First Upper Decky Lip Pillow, The Musical.”

Julia Feldman, a sophomore at UMass Amherst, shares the same ideology as Lopez. Feldman provided an anecdote about her grandfather, stating, “My grandfather smoked his first cigarette at age six and lived to ninety-seven. He attributed this to the cigarettes.”

Feldman later added that she has “not been able to disprove this.”

Cigarettes for babies may just be a positive after all. In fact, many companies have joined Marlboro and Gerber in their children’s drug venture.

Erik Lopez says that he’s a fan of a new strand of high-protein cannabis, often partaking in the drug in both edible and inhalant form.

When informed of the brand new Built Puff High Protein THC gummies, Erik Lopez inquired whether the edibles were gluten-free, lactose-free, and “sloppy as hell.”

Whether it be high protein, keto-friendly, or fat-free, one thing is for certain, this new market for healthy drugs is soon to take over stores worldwide. It’s only a matter of time before the American people know the name Erik Lopez and his newest invention, “Fentanyl for Babies.”