Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

We support your decision to undercook every omelette you’ve ever made.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

It’s Fantasy Basketball Playoff time and it’s looking like Timothée Chalamet won’t be the only big loser this week

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

The day you stop wearing that tuxedo graphic tee will be the day people finally start respecting you.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Spotify Wrapped stops calculating statistics after March 31st. So maybe relax on the Babytron before you look like a dork on your Instagram story.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The way you talk with your hands is so Italian-American. Just be careful around any ceiling fans, blenders, or fat cannibals.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Speaking of fat…

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Surely all this Wrestlemania talk is going to get you a wife

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

That toy lightsaber from temu isn’t gonna save you in the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Instead, head over to nuevesabres.mx and pick one up for the low price of 15,000 pesos + impuesto.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You pronounce those Mexican food items with such confidence and we shouldn’t take that away from you.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Stupid sign name. You capri-cornball.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You’ll soon meet the same fate as your fellow aquarius: Abraham Lincoln. Maybe this week is NOT the week to see Project Hail Mary in iMax.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your party guests will finish that bottle of Tito’s in your parent’s liquor cabinet. But don’t fret, there’s an unopened bottle of Manischewitz Kosher Wine ready to murder your taste buds with a single sip. Get crunk responsibly.