Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

As Venus and Pluto align, the stars suggest cutting ties with relationships that don’t serve you anymore. Yes, this is your sign to stop drinking dairy. 

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

There’s a few loose cheerios underneath the fridge for you, big dawg. Enjoy ya midnight snack, you crazy animal.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your dying marriage will drive you to finally take the tenor saxophone seriously. This will be the most sax you’ve had in a very long time.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

The art of Shao Lin Kung Fu is your true calling. Take on this new hobby, no matter how financially draining it is.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You rock that haircut with such confidence, despite how stupid it makes you look.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Locked in a hotel for the winter, you’ll bond with an 8 year-old boy over your shared love of Looney Tunes and Ice Cream. Sounds a little Epstein-y but hey, that’s just what the stars are saying.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

This spring break you’ll spend quality time with the bathroom floor as you battle Fort Liquordales’ final boss: alcohol poisoning. 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The cosmos suggest checking your mailbox this week. Best case scenario: your credit card bill. Worst case scenario: a letter from the Selective Service System.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your love for movie clichés will come to fruition when you experience death by banana peel. 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

If you were born on Christmas Day, you will be solemnly reminded that you, in fact, do NOT get double presents. If you weren’t born on Christmas Day, you probably wish you were.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You will finally be rid of your stress rash once you quit your minimum wage food service job.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You’ll finally be honest with yourself after your fourth “casual” trip to the nail salon this week. Self-acceptance is the gateway to self-love, even if it begins with acknowledging your foot fetish.