Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

In the coming week, prepare for a big change in your life. And maybe gather some childhood dog photos for the inevitable goodbye post.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your astral conjunction clearly indicates that we, at The Bacon, have no idea what “astral conjunction” means.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’ll find out George Bush is unfortunately still alive.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

The stars envision you scarfing down a hot dog in record time during a New York Knicks halftime like a good boy.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

That $20 air fryer is gonna blow up Oppenheimer style.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You will successfully skydive off the CN tower and book that show at the Rivoli!

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

We know the Olympic condom shortage is because of you.     

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Taking out life insurance may be the smartest thing you do this week.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You’ll begin to treat your family differently after rewatching an American classic. Unfortunately that film is Star Wars: A New Hope.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

This week, you’ll finally discover what “chud” really means, and why everyone calls you it behind your back.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

When you move into your aunt’s apartment in L.A to pursue your acting career, we suggest you don’t fall in love with the woman you find showering there. 

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Recently, you’ve been feeling like you can’t accomplish anything and lack a future. The stars call this “self-awareness.”