Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You’ll meet your soulmate in approximately 1 year and 3 days – that’s when they’re up for parole next.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

A mysterious box will be sitting outside your front door tomorrow. But it’s not very mysterious, it’s your impulsive Amazon buys from last week!

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

Bad news, turns out foreplay can lead to pregnancy. And, in fact, it will.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

The stars politely suggest you distance yourself further from the microwave before “Cancer” describes more than just your zodiac sign. 

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Everybody at the bar mitzvah loved your dance moves. You shouldn’t doubt yourself so much.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Despite what everyone is saying, your new haircut really isn’t that bad. 

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can do anything you put your mind to, so start with your heaping laundry pile in the corner of your room. 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

This week, you will finally turn a weakness into a strength when you realize your YouTube guitar lessons are going nowhere and switch to a more productive pastime like sexting with AI chatbots

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

This week you’ll bravely go where you have never gone before: finding yourself at a loss of words.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Tell your mom I said “thanks for having me”. But maybe I bring my recipe book next time?

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Bottomless chips and salsa from Chili’s bro. Trust me.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Leaning on your friends will inherently improve your mood this week. But you might crush them, fatso.