2020 Summer Olympics to go on with strict social distancing and sanitary measures

Courtesy+ETtech.com

Courtesy ETtech.com

Optimus P. Bielington , Robot in Disguise

The show must go on.

That’s what International Olympic Committee Thomas Bach decided early Tuesday morning, when he announced that the 2020 Summer Olympics would continue, despite COVID-19 concerns that originally lead to the event’s postponement March 24.

“The IOC and I were kind of just like, screw it,” he said. “I’ve done the same puzzle 31 times and counting. I’ve watched the entirety of Netflix. We need to spice things up a little.”

However, the IOC is putting special restrictions in place in order to prevent the spread of the virus among the competing athletes. Each athlete will be required to wear a hazmat suit, and all athletes must stay six feet apart at all times.

For racing events such as race walks and hurdles, each athlete will get their own track. These tracks are being built for the sole purpose of having the Olympic games in the midst of the impacts of COVID-19.

“I think it’s unnecessary,” said gold medalist Usain Bolt. “I’m always ten feet ahead of everyone anyway. I’m constantly social distancing.”

The boxing competitions have been changed from person-to-person contact to a series of virtually-controlled Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots competition.

In between matches, competitors are to wash their hands for 21 seconds (one second more than recommended just to be safe) with at least one pound of soap (again, safety) — and yes, they will be timed. The robots will also be wearing hazmat suits.

The original canoes to be used for water-based competitions will be replaced with canoes large enough to maintain a six-foot distance between each canoer. They are expected to be 5 yards long each, which is world record for canoe size. Not that size matters. We’re just reporting, okay?

A special Avatar (yes, like the blue people)-like virtual reality system is being developed specially for the wrestling competitions. The competitors will be wrestling each other by mentally controlling blue people. They will feel like they’re actually the blue people, but it will actually just be virtual reality. Sorry to disappoint.

Since swimming is probably impossible to do in a hazmat suit (trust us, it’s totally possible with the other sports), scientists funded with money coming from a place the IOC said “not to worry about, it’s not important” and are currently developing technology to transform athletic competitors into sharks in order to compete, because, according to the IOC, sharks cannot contract coronavirus. Their source? Don’t worry about it.

Badminton has been cancelled, but not because of the coronavirus.

“We’ve decided it’s just kind of a dumb sport,” said Bach.