Data Is In: Finals are EVIL

By Craig Reldnas, Ace Reporter

On a quiet, unassuming college campus, located in a quiet, unassuming suburban New Jersey town, trouble is afoot. A menace that travels on paper and sometimes online. Something that strikes fear into the hearts of unassuming youngsters like me and you! Something that is definite, absolute, the end….something known as…FINALS!

Yes, the facts are clear! The dreaded fiend known as finals is quite a stressful fiend indeed. But being that I’m merely a reporter (albeit an ACE reporter), we should leave such groundbreaking conclusions to our trusted government scientists! Which is what we’ll do! According to top scientist Nairb Giarc, the facts DO support our theory!

“We must admit, it’s true! Finals are stressful! Being the competent, meticulous researchers we are, we asked a PLETHORA of students! A total of 7, to be exact! One of our most valuable revelations comes from none other than Ms. Sally Sobstory herself! Sobstory, a 21 year old student here at William Paterson University, all but CONFIRMS our suspicions!

“It’s like…really scary!” said Sobstory. “You have to do something other than Netflix and chill all weekend! You have to actually put effort into something! I mean, what is this, a college?!”

Not only did Ms. Sobstory give her COMPLETELY reliable account, Harry Hardluck, a 25 year old professional couchsurfer and alumni of William Paterson University explained the SORDID details regarding the battle between him and the nefarious finals!

“Dude, it was like, really scary! I like, wanted to chill and maybe skate a bit, but like, there were other plans that like, were REALLY taking up my time! I’m not supposed to like, do work! That’s like, a fraud, yo!”

But if you want an ACCURATE story, you can’t just rely on mere college students for such information! You must dig further! MUCH further! You must ask middle schoolers! The middle schooler, misunderstood by most scientists, is actually a being containing the most valuable-est information in this CITY! Not just this universe, not just this planet, this CITY! A youngster by the name of I. Makenosense told it all in our 43 second interview where we dove DEEP for only the CORRECT facts!

“Finals suck! They’re just awful and evil!” said Makenosense. “You can’t have finals! They’re bad for our health! With finals, I can’t play Fortday for 13 hours straight! How could you think they’re good after something like that?!”

Numerous, LOGICAL measures are being taken by the victims of the despicable finals, such as writing the wrong answers intentionally, not attending them and complaining about them NON-STOP. So far, a WHOPPING 3 out of 1,000 college students have reported ROARING SUCCESS with these measures. If one thing is for certain folks, it is THIS. If even ONE person out of a BAZILLION or so reports success on something, then it SURELY has to be right! It doesn’t make if 997 people are UNSUCCESSFUL! If even ONE person reports success, it has to be a SUCCESS! I’m Craig Reldnas, giving you only the most ACCURATE information in an expansive THREE inch radius!