Tenured professors make bonfire out of student evaluations

Nick Cannon

As his hand trembled with anticipation, Dr. Smith lit the final match to commence the yearly bonfire. Every year, tenured professors at William Paterson University come together to create a bonfire out of their student evaluations. This ceremony was originally created at Harvard University in 1736 for geriatric tenured professors to keep warm during the winter season.

“I love the look of satisfaction on some of their faces as they mark ones down the list,” Dr. Garcia snickered. “I can almost feel the warm glow of the fire as I’m writing the course code on the blackboard that nobody took the time to memorize.”

“Dr. Brown is so monotonous,” said unsuspecting freshmen Kayla Johnson. “Hopefully my course evaluation will let the department chair know that I wasted my money.” Unbeknownst to Johnson, her evaluation was the first to burn to a crisp.

In a digital age fashion, Dr. Leigh printed out her ratemyprofessor.com reviews and threw them into the gaping fire.

“It is wonderful to see professors from our vastly different departments come together once a year to celebrate their near invincibility,” said the university president.

In anticipation of the annual bonfire coming to a close, the philosophy department chair inducted Dr. Gomez by having her burn her student evaluations after her first semester as a tenured professor.

“Before I was granted tenure, I was so worried about receiving a less than perfect student evaluation,” said Gomez. “It is such a sigh of relief to watch those mediocre evaluations go up in flames.”

“Dr. Andrews has given out 8 student evaluations this semester and it’s only April,” said clueless sophomore Ray Williams. “That man really cares about the quality of his students’ education. It is so refreshing to see!” Dr. Andrews was spotted at the bonfire loudly singing “Light My Fire” by The Doors.

However, not every professor was as excited for the yearly bonfire. “It is immensely disrespectful towards other instructors,” said Philip Dowling, an adjunct history professor. “I have been working too hard to give my students a valuable education to see this happening outside of my office window.”

“Phil is just upset he was denied tenure every year!” Andrews said after taking the third swig from his flask.

As the annual bonfire came to a close, Smith put out the flames with a golden chalice labeled ‘Tears from Finals Week.” The professors said their goodbyes and walked towards the faculty parking lot.