Kanye West Divorces Kim, Marries Himself


Courtesy of E!

Satch, Chief Satchel

Yes, as of Monday, rapper and producer Kanye West has divorced the famed Kim Kardashian and proceeded to elope and marry himself in Las Vegas.

Hollywood journalists are not surprised at the action given West’s track record, but stunned that it actually happened. The Kardashian’s are at a loss for words as the father of three, soon-to-be four, abruptly departed from the family.

“Even my departure wasn’t as crazy as his,” Caitlin Jenner said.

Both media and fans are in a frenzy, and the effects of the breakup are trending. There is a new social media challenge going around where boyfriends film an abrupt break-up with their longtime girlfriends and post their reaction. The craze is called the “#kanyechallenge” if anyone has interest in participating. More than 100k tweets and Instagram posts combined showcase people breaking up with their significant others.

“I just feel so free,” a William Paterson student who asked to remain anonymous said. “I feel like I married myself too.”

Although this is shocking news to report, this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. In fact, West’s lyrics have been suggesting this to happen for years. In the song, “Famous,” Rihanna sings the intro “man, I can understand how it must be, to love a girl like me.” These lyrics Rihanna sings are actually subliminal messages from West’s mind. The music video featuring naked wax figures of multiple people in the same bed as him and Kim, including President Donald Trump, ex-boyfriend of Kim’s Ray-J and singer Taylor Swift, show that West is afraid of commitment.

Another example of the lyrics foreshadowing this are in “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” The 2007 hit features lyrics that say “uh, uh, can’t tell me nothing.” This speaks to West’s personality in that, no one at all, can’t tell him anything. A marriage counselor reached out to The Beacon staff and she told us a little about him and the ex-couple’s secret counseling sessions.

“From what I can tell Kim was ready to work on it from the moment she got in there,” Dr. Swift said. “Kanye on the other hand was a project. I would ask him questions, some personal and some basic like, ‘what is your favorite color,’ and all he would say is ‘you can’t tell me nothing.’ He also constantly interrupted me just to say that.”

Dr. Swift continued to tell us that he would also say other lyrics of his in those meetings. Any time she brought up religion or faith, West would respond with “Jesus walks” with no other context.

These are all red flags that people should’ve seen coming. The now-divorced Kardashian is dating within a few days of this happening. While she is “playing the field,” according to her, there have been unconfirmed rumors that she and Ray-J are back to hooking up and teasing a “Part II” to their sex-tape chronology.

Before being published, West reached out to The Beacon to tell the staff his side of the story.

“I mean I had to,” West said. “I love my kids but I love myself more. And that weekend I had in Vegas, oh, it was so much more amazing than anything Kim and I have ever done. Have you ever taken a shower alone with just yourself? Life changing.”

It appears that West has made up his mind and he is not going back to Kim any time soon.