I’m a Feminist. Why Don’t the Ladies Want Me?


Courtesy The Mercury News

Olive Garden, Respecter of Women

I am a feminist, but I’m also a virgin.

Yeah, you read that right.

I have so much respect for women. I think they are so powerful and inspiring. I have a “Consent is Sexy” shirt and I voted for Hillary Clinton. I attended the Women’s March on Washington in 2016, and every year after.

My favorite singer, BeyoncĂ©, is a woman. Which isn’t because she’s a woman, by the way, but she’s just so inspiring. I love Queen B. If I was sexist, you see, I wouldn’t like her.

It outrages me that women only make 80 cents to a man’s dollar. I can’t stand seeing women objectified. I totally support the #MeToo movement, just check my likes and retweets on social media.

But despite how much I let women know that I strongly believe that they should have basic human rights, not a single woman has had sex with me.

I’m 23, so I’m getting older and I’m getting nervous.

The other day, I DMed my beautiful friend Michelle, who is beautiful on the inside, which is more important to me than the outside, because I’m a feminist.

The day before, we agreed that it was not okay for Joe Biden to touch women the way he did at political events, so in my mind, it was a sign that I was totally going to have sex with Michelle soon.

I sent her a message that said, “I have soooo much respect for Ariana Grande, she’s so successful and amazing, and she’s a woman. Like, God is a Woman,” with a wink face and an eggplant emoji after.

But to my confusion and dismay, she said that she didn’t see me that way and that the message made her really uncomfortable.

I got pretty mad, because apparently our heartfelt conversation the other day about how kissing women without their consent is not okay meant nothing to her. So I told her that, and now she doesn’t really talk to me.

She’s not the only other woman who I tried to flirt with unsuccessfully. I told another woman once that I totally believed in Christine Blasey Ford, without any context, and all I got back was “okay.” I asked her if she wanted to Netflix and chill, and then I got blocked.

All of those women, believe it or not, also believed in basic rights and respect for women.

It’s really weird to me that my feminism isn’t attracting even one woman. I always thought women found it really sexy. Whenever I say something feminist, all my guy friends say that’ll really score me some points with the ladies.

I’m not even ugly. I’m pretty good-looking, so that plus being a feminist should really reel ’em in. I guess there must be a lot of competition, since feminism is really hot right now. A lot of guys are probably doing it.

Still, I’ve been very vocal about it, and my respect for women is unparalleled. I’m honestly just so confused. Maybe I have to be even more of a feminist?

As I figure out this mystery, I guess I’m just gonna keep sliding into DMs and make my sexy feminist presence known all over the internet. #MeToo #ImWithHer #YesAllWomen #NeverthelessShePersisted #Feminism