Popular Breakfast Meat is Officially “Pork Roll” (THE BACON)

Yullliet Ruiz, News Editor

satireworld.com

In a controversial measure passed by the New Jersey state legislature the popular breakfast meat, most commonly referred to as “Taylor Ham”, will officially be named “pork roll.”

During a press conference given by Governor Chris Christie last Friday, he announced that the change will be effective starting May, coinciding with the Pork Roll Festival held annually in Trenton.

The debate about what to call the meat has been a hot-button issue in New Jersey. Residents of northern Jersey call the meat “Taylor Ham,” while people who live in South Jersey call it “pork roll.” The pork-based product was developed by John Taylor in 1856 in Trenton, New Jersey, marketed under the name “Taylor’s Prepared Ham.” As other companies imitated the product, it became known as “pork roll.” The meat is commonly served on a roll or bagel with egg, cheese, ketchup, salt, and pepper.

Christie held the press conference in Newark, his hometown. “I believe that this issue has torn apart residents of this state and has ravaged New Jersey enough. It needs to be settled once and for all. Starting May 1, 2017, New Jersey’s breakfast meat pride will now only be known as pork roll.”

Christie proceeded to explain the reasoning behind the new law: “All Taylor Ham is pork roll but not all pork roll is Taylor Ham.” Security then ushered off stage as the members of the crowd booed and threw pieces of the meat at him.

“This is a total disgrace to all of New Jersey,” said Newark resident, Tyler Hahn. “He even announced it in North Jersey. What was he expecting, flowers and hugs?”

“I will never accept this. I don’t care how many fines I get, I’m never calling it pork roll,” said another resident, Absuloot Baloney.

The mandate states that any resident or businesses found calling or promoting the meat as anything other than pork roll will have to pay a fine between $201 and $973, as well as write the phrase, “Pork roll is the only role in my life,” 100 times on a chalkboard.

“Personally, I feel like this one of the best things Christie has ever done. He’s making South Jersey proud!” said William Paterson student Imma Duhmie.

 This legislature is a contradiction to what Christie has said previously concerning the deli meat. Last year during his radio show, Christie proposed an executive bill, officially naming the meat Taylor Ham.

Sources also allege that this mandate came about around the same time scandals about the governor started to surface. In order to appease residents, Christie came up with the law. When asked about the outrage that North Jerseyans would have, he reportedly told staff, “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

This law is only one a series of laws the governor has passed during his last stretch as governor. He will bring another policy to the state legislature to formally recognize “Central Jersey,” but it is expected that this law will not pass.