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Trump Hands Out New Healthcare Packages (THE BACON)

Jamie Gentile, Features Editor

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After being consistently bashed on for his proposals concerning new health care plans, President Donald Trump announced this past week, on the day of Thor, that he would be introducing an idea especially personalized by himself.

Trump has launched his new healthcare initiative: “Trump’s Fair Healthcare” packages. These packages were created directly in the depths of Trump’s underground workshop in the White House. “He likes to call it his lair,” Melania Trump said in an interview. “But it is a tiny lair. He likes it because it makes him feel big and mighty.”

These newly developed packages come in containers made of polycarbonate plastic, making them impenetrable to most pencils and bites. The containers do not protect its contents from hammers, explosions, or people who need the contents since there is an easily-opened latch on the side.

The President included seven stretchy, waterproof Band-Aids. Every package comes with one special pink Band-Aid with red hearts on it. “I want my Americans to know that I love them. I love them so much. No one loves my Americans more than me,” said Trump

The generous kit also includes two ibuprofen tablets because Trump “knows how Americans get their headaches,” a pair of rubber gloves to protect citizens from touching “the nasties,” and a small bottle of hand sanitizer, to “keep the germs away.”

President Trump plans to hand out the new health care packages on May 1, for the simple cost of $39.37 per month. Trump claims that it is first come, first serve and that there are only 473 packages for him to hand out. An inside source claims that after Trump discovered that some of his employees were immigrants, their immediate deportation postponed the packages’ production.

Trump is particularly proud of the fact that he is “doing something for the liberals” and that his healthcare packages are “just so affordable you won’t even believe it.”

Gimi Moore, a Republican student at William Paterson, disagrees with Trump’s new initiative, saying he is being too generous to the lower class: “If liberals actually worked and got jobs, stopped supporting ‘Black Lives Matter,’ and started supporting the idea that white people are oppressed too…I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Any citizens looking to purchase one of Trump’s new health care packages should be sure to line up outside the White House a few days before May 1, because as previously stated, there are only 473 of them in existence.

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William Paterson University's Official Student-Run Newspaper
Trump Hands Out New Healthcare Packages (THE BACON)